Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
