What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
