Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
