we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
