just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize