is your mom at the bar?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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