Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
