after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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