She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
