u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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