The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
