College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
not ubering you a puppy
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
