Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
