onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
All I want is dick and wine.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
