hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
