Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
