I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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