If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
