9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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