do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
