I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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