The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
