Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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