she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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