Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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