Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
