I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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