God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
