guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
