Do you still have your period?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
