so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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