just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Randomize
