its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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