i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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