I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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