Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
