Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
