i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
