you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
