No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
