OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
