I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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