so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
