Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
