Will you blow on my dice?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
