quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The struggles of a small town man whore
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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