It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
