tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
