Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
