My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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