He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
