if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
