my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
