Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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