Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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