he puts the penis in happiness.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
