she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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