I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
