What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I am one with the molecules
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
